i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
