im drinking this country out of the recession.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
