I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
