her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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