I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
