I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize