This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
