Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
