mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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