so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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