I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
