I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
