I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
