We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
