let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
