My friends, they love my intelligence
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
