the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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