what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize