I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
