my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
