Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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