her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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