FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
