it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
