If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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