My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
