i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
