he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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