Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
