I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
