After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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