Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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