I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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