I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
