Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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