Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
As shirtless as possible
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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