woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize