have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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