His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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