My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
