My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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