It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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