Plan B is the new Plan A
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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