I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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