the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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