Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
