Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think I sprained my soul last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
