just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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