Someone shit on the floor
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
this beer tastes like vomit already
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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