he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
my liver is dry heaving
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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