Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
