Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
