every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My penis needs a shock collar
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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