I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
