im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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