I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
