In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
