So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
